It it Better to Have Loved?

Posted on Fri Mar 1st, 2019 @ 12:56am by Lieutenant Commander Catrina (Cat) Tendai & Lieutenant Connor Turner
Edited on on Mon Mar 11th, 2019 @ 2:27pm

2,589 words; about a 13 minute read

Mission: Mission 2: Into The Breach
Location: Faltan Station Bar
Timeline: MD05 - 1245

Connor was upset. He had no idea what to do with himself. He hated watching Holly hurt. No, he mentally corrected himself, Candy. He hated watching those eyes cry. Yet, she had hurt him so badly, abandoning him two years ago and now, did she just expect him to forgive and forget? That seemed to be what she wanted. But how? She admitted that she had been nothing more than a slag after she left. Could he really be with such a woman?

He only knew one person he could talk to. He touched his commbadge and said, =^= Cat, where are you? I need a drink. =^=

Having hung out somewhat nearby just in case, Cat found herself back where she'd been before: at the bar. She handed off engineering command for a bit so she could shake off what just happened, only to hear Connor on her combadge. Glad for the margarita that appeared in front of her, she tapped her own combadge. =^= Back at the bar, Connor. What do you want, I'll get it ordered for you.=^=

=^= Something strong and with real alcohol, =^= he called back as he started rounding the corner towards the bar.

Looking to the bartender, she ordered him an extra large whiskey and had it waiting for him. She also ordered another margarita even though she hadn't touched her own. She had a feeling she'd need it, even if she did have to go back on duty for a few hours later before heading to her quarters for the night.

Connor flopped down on the chair next to Cat and let his head hit the table. "What am I going to do?" he asked to the world in general.

Taking a long sip from her first drink, Cat watched Connor. "I..take it things didn't go according to anyone's plan?" Had there even been a plan to begin with?

"You know, Cat, two years ago, I would have killed, and I mean, killed for her to be back in my arms. I've missed her for so long. I've been so worried. And then...this! Worse, she even has the audacity to tell me that she's been a complete trollop or worse, a slag. I don't even know what to call what she's been. All for news? I don't get it! And through it all, she still professes to love me. How does this make any sense?!"

"And right now I think she'd do the same to have you back." She sighed. "Connor, she does love you still. What do you think she and I talked about for so long? She regrets having done everything she did, and she was sincere about it." She turned her seat to face him. "And you wouldn't be reacting the way you are if you didn't still love her too."

"Cat, how can I trust her? She's lied. She's been a trollop or worse. What do I love? A memory? A lie?" He took the whisky and took a large gulp, shaking his head as it went down. "Wow! Been a long time since I've done that."

Cat took another drink of her own drink and shook her head. "Today's the day to do it. After yesterday and then this today?" She hated trying to give love advice, she wasn't any good at it, didn't even know if she could tell the person she loved that she loved them because she wasn't sure she'd ever see them again. But, right now Connor and Candy needed her to focus. "If you push aside the fact that she's Candy and not Holly, ignoring everything else, if the only thing she hadn't told you the truth on was her name, would you still love her?"

"Yes, but that's not the case, is it?" He finished the whisky in another gulp and then called for a water. Once it arrived, he downed half the glass before continuing. "I mean, what if the hand was on the other foot? What if your lover did this to you? Disappeared for two years and then showed up, not even looking for you, and your lover told you that your lover still loved you but was boinking God knows who because your lover thought it was part of your lover's job? Huh? I mean, do you even have a significant other?"

Turning away from Connor, Cat did her best to keep her emotions in check. She didn't look back at him but spoke softly. "Doesn't matter what I'd do, Connor. This matters what you'd do. Even though it was her job, she fell in love with you, not those other people. We all do things for our jobs."

"But she still shagged them, Cat. And why are you looking away? You never do that!" Connor demanded. "God, computers are so much simpler...."

Turning back to him, she had tears welling up in her eyes. "Because I don't get to tell the person I love that I love them, okay? They're missing. So this is hard for me to do, seeing two people who love each other go through this!"

"Why didn't you tell the person?" Connor asked, aghast. "And missing? That's awful! Are you sure it is missing, missing? Or is it something like Candy?"

"They went missing before the party, and yes, I'm sure she is actually missing." Cat wiped a tear that had fallen away, not caring that she had just said she, but she at least lowered her voice to near a whisper. "Sarah's intel, in charge of Crystal Fruits, even her team has said she's likely KIA...and it hit me a few days after she was reported missing how I actually felt for her. But...it might just be too late."

Connor put his hand on Cat's. "I wish I had better words. However, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and that this will all work out somehow." He shook his head. "Platitudes do not work well sometimes, though." He sighed and lowered his head. "I do not know which is worse. In your case, you may have loved and lost. I loved and was in limbo, never hearing or seeing from her again. And now, suddenly, she has appeared. Maybe I should have moved on. Two years of pining is a long time."

Cat looked at there he’d put his hand and shook her head, “You have her here, and I can tell you still love her, otherwise this wouldn’t be bothering you as much as it does.” She looked up to him, “If you truly love her as much as it seems you do, you won’t let her get away again, Connor. I...I’ll be fine with the whole thing I have going on. I let it eat away at me every night, and try not to show it on duty.”

"But do I love her or the idea of her, Cat? And what if she still wants to use her body for news? I don't like the idea of sharing, let alone with God knows with whom!"

“Tell her this, Connor. A proper discussion, telling her exactly how you feel. You’ve held onto the love for her this long, she needs to respect what you have to say."

"Do you know what she said to me before I left her in her quarters, Cat? She was proud of me! For standing up to her and for leaving Earth. What kind of tripe is that?"

"That means that she still cares about you, and she is proud of you! You told her what you were thinking, and it would take a lot to be able to do that." She calmed herself and sighed, pushing her own things aside again. "I know it's hard to understand, especially when you're used to working with computers, Connor, but that's her way of telling you things."

Connor bent his head to the table and sighed. "This does not make sense. I think I need another drink."

Nodding to the bartender, Cat wasn't going to argue. Another drink appeared in front of Connor. She downed her own and went after her second one. "And other times? You just have to focus on your own feelings and express them to who needs to hear them. Love doesn't always make sense."

"It should," Connor countered with a pout, before sitting up and taking the glass in his hand.

"I had no intentions on finding love, let alone in who I did. But I did. I never even looked at anyone since I was a teenager." She glanced back to him again, "Love, emotions, they will always catch us by surprise. The things we can't control."

"But we should be able to. I mean, obviously she can. Otherwise, how could she have done what she's done!" He took a long swallow of the new glass of whiskey.

She shook her head, “Just because it looks like she understands it, doesn’t mean she does. Its probably been eating her up inside ever since she left.”

"How do you figure?" Connor asked, curious.

This was hard to explain, especially in a way to get Connor to understand it. “I...if she’d given up on her feelings for you, she wouldn’t have told you that she still loves you.” She sat back and bit, trying to sort out how to get him to understand it. The problem was, there wasn’t a computer way of explaining it.

"Why act like a trollop and shag someone else when you say you love me, Cat? It does not make sense? And why not contact me for two years? That does not feel like something genuine...." He sighed. "And yet.... Her eyes pull at me. Have you ever noticed that about her?"

“It might have been just what she said, for the job. And...maybe she thought you’d already let go.” Cat stared into her drink. “The eyes thing is on you, Connor. I don’t see her that way.”

"How do you see her?" he asked curiously.

"As someone who knows she messed up, but who still loves you."

Disappointed that Cat did not answer what she personally thought of Candy, Connor sighed and took another gulp of his drink. "I meant, what do you honestly think of her, Cat?"

She knew this was coming, and took a sip of her drink before continuing. "I was angry at her, for the article. I thought I would be in trouble for being stuck at my previous posting longer than anticipated because of what she said. I get that it was her job but that didn't help matters any But in actually talking to her? She's just a person who's trying to make a living, maybe not in the best way, but she's good at it."

"That's a nice way of saying you do not like her, right?"

“I didn’t like her,” Cat said softly, “until she and I talked. She does actually have a heart, even though her reporting may not show it. I had judged her just on that before.”

"Hmmm," Connor mused. "She has a knack with people," Connor reminisced.

Cat downed her drink and was brought another. She'd regret all this later, but for now it was needed. "She figured out that I was hiding the fact that I'd fallen in love, without my saying anything. She just..you're right, she has a knack with people."

Connor was silent for a time. Finally he downed the remainder of this drink. "I wish I knew what to believe."

"Believe what your heart is telling you, that's what you should follow."

"I wish I knew what it was telling me, Cat. I really do."

She turned to look at him again. "Answer this then: do you love her, properly love her?"

"I loved Holly. Who this is, I am not sure."

"Connor, I don't mean any of that. If you just look at her, letting your heart speak for you, do you love her?"

"If I look into her eyes, I can't refuse her anything, Cat. You should know that."

Cat nodded. "That is what you hold onto. If you feel that way looking into her eyes, that is your heart telling you."

"Is it? Could you refuse her?" he asked honestly. "I've not known anyone that really can."

"I...never thought about her that way...I didn't look at anyone that way since I was a teenager until recently. I'm not the best person to ask, Connor."

"Then who should I ask?" Connor asked, praying for guidance.

Cat shook her head. "I wish I knew, Connor."

Connor sighed dejectedly. "I do too. I'm just not good with people," he concluded. "I mean, you're really one of the few people I have been able to talk to...."

Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath. "If I did have to look at her in that way? If I didn't know anything else about her? I'd likely feel like you do if you look into her eyes."

"Are you attracted to her?" Connor suddenly asked with a streak of curiosity mixed with a bit of jealousy.

"It was just a statement, Connor," Cat said as she opened her eyes, looking at him. "No, I'm not. But, as neither of us know anyone else you can ask, I thought I'd try to help. So, I closed my eyes and focused and tried to put myself in your shoes." She shrugged, "Not that I'm any good at that, and it probably didn't help any."

"I don't know," Connor admitted. "It certainly didn't hurt. I do appreciate you trying."

She shrugged. “Only thing I can say really is just follow what your heart tells you, if you really do want to be with her, even past what all she’s done that you don’t approve of. Every relationship will have that, they won’t be perfect.”

"I think that I shall sleep on this," Connor decided. "Perhaps I will have an epiphany soon."

"Go on, I've technically got to get back down to engineering and then maybe I'll just have an early night in...not sure..." She debated trying to call Sarah again, even though it'd failed all the other times.

"I'll be on duty sooner or later, once Mint's restriction is over," he told Cat. "Work would be great right now."

Cat glanced at him. "I won't tell if you go back on duty. She knows I'm on duty. If you need to focus on work, go focus on work."

"Thank you, Cat," Connor said relieved. "I think I would have gone crazier than I am now if I didn't get before a computer. I think...I think I need things to make sense for a few moments. Computers make much more sense."

"No problem. There's enough going on that we could use the help anyways, even if we are fully staffed down there. Take a bit to let your mind clear from those drinks, then I'll see you down in engineering."

"Thank you, Cat. I will do that." With that, he pushed away from the table and walked away with a shy wave. He knew he had better head to his quarters to clear his head or he would be ending up at Candy's quarters. Right now, he did not think that would be a great idea.

 

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